Today I had a meeting with my dear friend, Kate. She is helping me with my Part 2 seminar. I needed someone who can go through the content with me and brainstorm how I can polish it.
I’ve revised a draft so many times, and yet nothing has sat well with me.
But I think I’ve made a breakthrough today with Kate’s support! Thank you Kate!
The unfolding process of carving out my presentation always accompanies anxiety. My heart knows what I want to say, but when I try to write about it, the result is often far from what is developing inside me.
Sharing my work which even I myself am not confident of increases my anxiety, too.
But I feel totally safe working with Kate. She is a great presentation skills coach and is always encouraging. Her constructive feedback never sounds like a critical comment in the least.
Above all Kate understands that sharing something that is close to our heart makes us feel exposed. I feel her compassion in her sensitivity to me and my work.
Part of me is so grateful for her generosity, and I’ve noticed that there is another part of me which feels hesitant to receive such unconditional support.
It is hard for me to receive kindness, praise and support freely and without inhibition. I have been trying to receive them with my whole heart and gratitude, but there is still an uncomfortable feeling around it.
Through my psychotherapy training, I came to realise that the sense of hesitation stemmed from my deep-seated belief that “I shouldn’t receive things without efforts or hard work.”
I have long believed that I was not worthy enough to receive the good unless I worked for it.
Not being able to receive the good freely in fact reinforces the need for approval and support from others.
While pondering about this today, two things came into my mind.
I remembered my partner’s words. He has been my peerless support on all fronts: academically, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
One day I felt bad for making him spend so much time to edit my essays and apologised for it.
He said to me “By helping you, I can be part of your journey. Wouldn’t that be beautiful if many people become part of your journey?”
I was so moved by that.
Another thing that came into my mind was my Buddhist mentor’s words when he was encouraging a young student who was bullied and could not reach out for help.
“We cannot live without having support from others. If anyone thinks he can, that person has forgotten that he exists because of support of many individuals…”
“We live our life by supporting and being supported. So if you carry heavy burden, ask others to carry half. Give a “joy of helping someone” to people around you! You don’t need to carry it by yourself. If you see someone carrying heavy burden in the future, you willingly offer your help.”
“Give a joy of helping someone to people around you” – I never thought about being helped in this way.
When I was writing this blog, I was drawn into a card that I received from someone:
“I now receive my good
from expected and unexpected sources.
I am an unlimited being,
accepting from an unlimited source,
in an unlimited way.
I am blessed beyond my fondest dreams.”
Thank you for reading!
